


The Only One I Want to Kiss Me (Sees The Truth Inside My Heart)

by Ellory



Series: Pureblood Wizarding Culture [19]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Aristocracy, F/M, Magical Bonds, Mental Instability, Pureblood Culture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-24 06:43:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12007236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellory/pseuds/Ellory
Summary: James and Lily had been together almost a year now, though. If she changed her mind at this point, after seeing the bond he shared with Sirius at the worst it had ever been, it would surely send them both over the edge.





	The Only One I Want to Kiss Me (Sees The Truth Inside My Heart)

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on fanfiction.net.

"Bloody hell!" James Potter groaned as he felt the magical disturbance. His head swung toward the portrait hole of the Gryffindor common room, and he jumped up from the chair he had been lounging in as he held court.

"James!" Lily Evans admonished. "Language."

James didn't laugh as he usually did when Lily corrected him. He didn't have time for that. He had to get everyone out of the common room as fast as possible. "Get out," James commanded. His words quieted the hustle and bustle of the common room in seconds.

"Where do you get off thinking—?"

Spinning around, James pressed his wand into McLaggen's throat. That shut her up. She had been even more annoying than ever since he and Lily got together. It was her own fault for deluding herself; James had been blatant in his pursuit of Lily for years now.

"Eep!"

"James Potter, what are you doing?" Lily demanded.

The smart students were already heading up to their dorm rooms. It was nice to know that some people respected his authority as Head Boy. "I don't have time to explain, McLaggen. I wouldn't, even if I did. This is my business, and not yours. Get up to the dormitories now." It wasn't a suggestion, and it sure didn't sound like one.

Teeth gritted, McLaggen barked at the few remaining students to get up to their rooms. After a last glare at him, she marched toward the staircase that led to the girls' dormitories. "This better be serious, Heir Potter." She stomped up the staircase like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

It is—deadly, he thought. But he wouldn't give her the satisfaction of even that much information. McLaggen was nosy, always prying into where she wasn't wanted. And if she ever attempted to interfere with him and his Twined, he wouldn't be held responsible for what he did to her.

Lily curled her fingers around James's wrist. "James, what's wrong?"

"Sirius is . . ." Another wave of magic reached him. James bit his lip. Oh, this was bad. Lily knew, in theory, that he and Sirius were Twined. In fact, she had told him that was part of why she was hesitant to believe his claims of love were true. Nothing was ever more important to a wizard or witch than his or her Twined. Often, they didn't even bond—perfectly content in the unconditional love they were party to, platonic though it was. James and Lily had been together almost a year now, though. If she changed her mind at this point, after seeing the bond he shared with Sirius at the worst it had ever been, it would surely send them both over the edge.

"Please, Lily," James begged. "You can't—don't—just please." He had to be so careful all the time, because anything that hurt him could hurt Sirius as well. They had to be faster, smarter, wilier, and more powerful than every opponent they faced.

Lily palmed James's cheeks and stared right into his eyes. "Whatever this is, whatever's happening, you can trust me, James. I promise."

"I really hope you mean that, Lily-Flower," James breathed. He was betting his and Sirius's continued health on her honesty.

"I do." Lily sat in the chair he had risen from minutes ago.

The magic swirled like a tide pool. James had just enough time to initiate dormitory lockdown protocol, and raise the privacy wards in the common room as a second layer of protection, before the portrait swung open and Sirius Black sprinted into the room.  
"James!" he yelled. "Help me!"

It only took a thought to force all of his magic to the surface. He had so much Light Magic that it flooded the common room like moonlit fog. James condensed it as he stalked over to Sirius and caged him against the wall next to the fireplace. Sirius had so much Dark Magic that it hung like ominous clouds—the kind that turned into tornadoes and destroyed everything without prejudice. James surrounded Sirius's magic and tried to herd it back into his Twined's body.

Sirius's magic didn't calm for James as it usually did. This wasn't good.

"What happened?" James inquired. He had never seen Sirius this upset before, and it was killing him. Mother Magic had Twined them as eleven-year-old boys when they met on the Hogwarts Express: to protect, guard, and stabilize each other. She had said that they would be lost without a brother closer than blood could create.

Sirius was his primary responsibility, and James was Sirius's.

"Rookwood was trying to kiss her, and I . . ." Sirius's body trembled against the stone, his magic spiked. He had been slipping for weeks, but never this badly.

"Oh, Sirius." He ground his teeth together. Logically, James knew it wasn't Elaine Fawley's fault. Her family was one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight (one of the pureblood families that were truly pureblooded); her magic was a horrible, taunting, teasing creature. But since she wasn't sixteen, she couldn't receive any bonding offers. However, Sirius had been in love with her almost as long as James had loved Lily. Now Sirius had to not only keep his head and lock his desires under control around her, he also needed to prevent himself from killing all the wizards who sniffed around her.

Ladies from the Sacred Twenty-Eight families weren't available long. Other than Andromeda, who had eloped with a Muggle-born on her sixteenth birthday, all of Sirius's female cousins were already under contract or bonded.

And if Rookwood was stupid enough to make a move on Elaine Fawley, when anyone with a brain knew that Sirius was paws over muzzle in love with her, then he deserved what he got.

"Is he dead?" James asked. Even as he spoke, his mind was working lightning fast to come up with a way to keep Sirius out of Azkaban. It shouldn't be hard to claim someone had Imperiused Sirius to murder Rookwood; James was talented enough at Legilimency that he could make it look like Sirius had been under someone's control. Or he could spin it to where Sirius was protecting Elaine's honor, which, in a way, was actually the truth.

"I don't know," Sirius whispered. He grabbed James's shoulders and snarled, "I won't regret it if he is."

James's magic shrank back at the sudden onslaught of darkness, before forging forward once more. If he failed to stabilize Sirius, then they would spiral out of control. Some days, he wondered if they were still sane at all.

"She's mine!" Sirius declared. His gray eyes were crazed, but the tears leaking from them were what broke James's heart. "Why can't they understand that, James? Why can't they understand . . . ?" He sobbed and fisted James's robes, voice dropping to a whisper. "If I see that again, I'll snap. If that happens, I'll drag you over the edge with me, Prongs. And I can't . . . I can't be responsible for destroying you—anyone, but you, and I wouldn't care. But not . . . I can't ruin you."

Then Sirius's magic retreated, as if it had lost the will to fight. He collapsed against James's chest and hugged him fiercely, sobbing all the while. His shoulders hitched and his voice grew hoarse. "I l-love her so m-much, and I c-can't even ask if she f-feels the same w-way."

Agony unlike any James had felt before pierced his chest. Sirius's pain was so great that it was debilitating. And it was James's responsibility to make it go away.

"I . . ." Lily wiped tears from her cheeks as she stared at them.

James Potter loved Lily Evans; she was precious to him. However, he loved Sirius almost as much. Mother Magic had assigned him as Sirius Black's sentinel, and James would never dishonor the trust given him. To be Twined meant viewing things differently, creating new definitions of right and wrong. Because right was keeping Sirius safe and making sure he was happy, and wrong was anything that sent Sirius running to him for help, magic wild, and tears in his eyes.

"I can ask her," Lily said, jaw thrust out.

"What?" Sirius rasped. He turned to gawk at Lily, confusion and wonder on his face.

Lily walked over and stared at Sirius's eyes as if they were the most real and tragic things she had ever seen. "I propose that we trade favors, Sirius."

A gentle smile overtook James's face. He loved that Lily had thrown herself into the magical world; unlike a majority of the Muggle-born students, who were content to maintain that status, she fought tooth and nail for her right to be classified as a new blood. Lily learned the etiquette, the proper manners, the courtesies, and all the little details that kept their heritage alive.

Trading favors was a common habit among purebloods, and those in-the-know. One person would offer a favor, and request something specific in return. If accepted, both parties had to follow through. Bargaining was allowed until the final terms were set. After that, failing to fulfill a trade of favors would be a large black mark against a person's character. Such people were considered untrustworthy, especially when it came to business practices.

"Your terms, Lily?"

"I'll find out whether Elaine Fawley loves you or not from her own mouth. No rumors. No gossip. No speculation," said Lily. That she would do something like this for Sirius, when James knew how much she loathed gossip, made James want to kiss her as long as she would allow. "In return, you'll be the godfather of my firstborn child."

James's brain stalled. For Lily to have a child, he would get to—not now! he reminded himself harshly. Later would be better for . . . just later.

Sirius didn't even bother to negotiate. "Deal!" He leaned forward and kissed both of her cheeks. "How could I say no to being the godfather of Prongs's firstborn child?"

A blush, rare and coveted, colored Lily's cheeks. "I'll be back soon. Just stay down here and wait. They'll be fine in the dormitories for a while yet." She waved them toward the couch, and then set her hands on her hips. "And stay put! I don't want to have to hunt you down."

James plopped onto the couch and pulled Sirius down with him. Sirius wasn't crying anymore, but he still curled up in a ball and leaned against James. He hated it. Sirius was confidence and brashness, not timidity. Sirius wasn't meant to be like this. "We'll be here, Lily-Flower. We're not going anywhere."

"That's a great girl you have there, Prongs," Sirius whispered as Lily headed for the portrait hole.

Her hips swished in an enchanting way, and was the cause of more than eight boys being hexed just that day. James's smirk, reflected by a nearby window, was smarmier than Malfoy's. "The best."

Lily leaned against the portrait of the Fat Lady after it closed and pressed a hand to her chest. Even when she had despised the Marauders, she had never wanted to see any of them broken like that. From the outside, it looked like Sirius was teetering on an edge and the slightest of breezes would send him tumbling over. If that happened, she didn't even want to imagine what kind of damage it would cause James.

She still had nightmares of the final Quidditch match in sixth-year. Crouch and Flint hit Bludgers at Sirius simultaneously, and he hadn't been able to bat them both away, despite his best efforts. One slammed into his shoulder; James had cried out and dropped the Quaffle. Things had gotten bloody and fouls shots were granted every few seconds.

Information on the Twined was minimal, because only Mother Magic could Twin people. It was unbearably rude to ask about it too. So she didn't know if James had felt Sirius's pain, or if he had been so upset he yelled and forgot the game.

"It's beautiful," whispered Lily. Sibling love that pure was a treasure. Lily wished she and Petunia could get along, but Petunia's jealousy had turned to bitterness. Petunia had apparently decided that if she couldn't follow her sister to Hogwarts, then she wanted nothing to do with her. It hurt. Lily figured that it always would. Already, Lily felt a similar distance growing between her and her parents; there was just so much that they could never understand, no matter how well she explained. They were drifting apart, but James anchored her.

She hurried down the stairs, giving passing nods to everyone who greeted her. Lily wasn't sure if she was lucky (or if she just gave off an aura that said Don't bother me!), but she made it to the kitchen corridor without interruption. Lily walked into the nook and sighed. Why did entering the Hufflepuff Basement have to be so complicated? What was wrong with passwords or riddles? Those would save her time. "Two from the bottom, middle of the second row," Lily muttered, locating the correct barrel in the stack. She concentrated as she tapped in the rhythm of Helga Hufflepuff. She did not want to botch it and be doused in vinegar.

"Finally!" she huffed. Lily stepped through the lid that swung open and into the common room. It was earthy and bright, with lots of circles—windows and doors—plants, burnished copper, and yellow and black furniture. Despite every Hufflepuff's assurance that it was the comfiest common room, Lily thought it paled in comparison to Gryffindor Tower.

"Can I help you?"

Lily glanced down at the boy. He didn't look at all familiar. "I'm looking for Elaine Fawley."

"I'll handle this. Return to your homework," Amelia Bones told the boy. She perused Lily from head to toe. "Elaine's asked for some privacy. I would prefer that you not disturb her. She seemed quite upset."

"I would imagine she is upset," Lily retorted. What girl wouldn't be if someone she didn't like tried to kiss her? Interesting. It sounded like Elaine hadn't told her dorm mates what had happened. Lily couldn't blame her; for all the talk of loyalty, Hufflepuffs could be the worst gossips in school. "Which dorm is hers?"

Amelia peered at Lily through a monocle—a ridiculous affectation that made the girl look downright silly. Hopefully, she would realize that at some point. "The fifth-year girls' dorm is beneath the Mimbulus Mimbletonia."

"Thank you, Miss Bones."

Lily looked up at the plants above the doorways. Ah, there it was—the hideous wart-covered cactus thing. She wrinkled her nose. Herbology was not her favorite subject, by any means. She opened the door beneath it, slipped inside, and closed it in a rush.

"Go a-away."

"No." Lily hadn't come all this way for nothing.

"Please, j-just g-go away."

Sighing, Lily walked over to the bed the sobbing was coming from. She threw back the bed-curtains and felt a twinge of envy for the first time since entering the Hufflepuff Basement. Patchwork quilts were made with love. In Gryffindor, they had standard-issue comforters. "No, I won't."

Elaine pulled her pillow away from her face, revealing smeared mascara and eyeliner. She looked like she had failed to complete a raccoon Animagus transformation. "M-Miss Evans?" Elaine's lip wobbled. She bit it.

"Lily, please." She was watching the girl break down. Any pretense at distance now was just pointless.

"Lily, then." Elaine wiped her face on her pillowcase, smudging her makeup even more. She wasn't a pretty crier; her eyes and cheeks were red and puffy. "Did S-Sirius ask Heir Potter to send you down to tell me that h-he's not interested in m-me anymore?" She would shatter with one wrong word.

A world in which Sirius wasn't interested in Elaine Fawley—Lily couldn't even imagine it. "Why would you think that?" She kept her voice kind, even though she felt baffled.

"Because I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings, Heir Rookwood caught me by surprise. If S-Sirius hadn't shown up when h-he did . . ." She trembled. "I don't want to kiss Rookwood!" Elaine punched her pillow repeatedly. "I don't want to kiss anyone but Sirius!"

Smiling, Lily felt triumphant as a blush spread down Elaine's neck. It wasn't like Lily couldn't relate to the girl's feelings. After all, there was only one wizard that Lily wanted to kiss. She wasn't as oblivious as James assumed. She did notice when the wizards staring at her suddenly sprouted boils, rabbit teeth, or enormous pimples. "Oh?"

"I love him," Elaine confessed. "I have for a long time." She picked at the threads of her quilt. "He's always so happy. He makes me laugh. He's loyal. He protects the people he cares about. He's smart and witty. Being around Sirius makes me feel alive." Her sienna eyes burned with an inner light, but it dimmed. "But now, after this . . ."

With every word that came from Elaine's mouth, a picture of James sharpened in Lily's mind. He was happy and made her laugh. James was loyal to a fault, and he protected her from hexes, gossip, and his own desires. Mother Magic had known what she was doing when she Twined James and Sirius. The guys mirrored each other in all the best, and, unfortunately, worst ways.

"Sirius didn't ask James to send me down here to tell you he's not interested," Lily assured her.

Elaine's eyes brightened. "He didn't?" Her voice was so thick with hope that Lily wondered how she didn't choke on it.

"No, he didn't." Lily smiled at her. Since James and Sirius were Twined, did that make Elaine her sort-of-future-sister-in-law? Eh, that was a thought for another time. "He fancies you madly, as always. He's not even sorry that he might've killed Rookwood." Years ago, such behavior from Sirius would have upset her. Lily understood it now, though. If anyone tried to kiss her, she would be heartbroken if James didn't react just as violently. Because he would trust that she didn't want anyone but him kissing or touching her.

"Oh." Elaine folded her hands over her mouth, but that did little to block her goofy grin. "He didn't. Kill Rookwood, I mean. But I heard Rookwood will have to be transferred to St. Mungo's."

"He'll be pleased to hear that, I'm sure." The only time she had ever seen Sirius act ashamed was when Remus Lupin wouldn't speak to him for three months. She still had no idea what had caused the rift between the Marauders. It had healed shortly after Peter Pettigrew died of a virulent case of dragon pox.

"You're being straight with me, aren't you? Sirius still cares for me? This isn't some nasty prank?"

"It's not a prank," Lily said. She squeezed Elaine's hand. "I left Sirius huddled on the couch with James, desperate to know if he even had a chance with you."

"Just a minute, Lily, and I'll give you something that will put all of his fears to rest." Elaine leaned over, rummaged through her nightstand, and pulled out a piece of parchment and a pair of scissors. She set the parchment on her lap, and then sprayed it with her perfume bottle, which was next to her clock. She put it back, and then closed her eyes.  
"What—?"

"Shh. I need to concentrate."

A thread of magic grew from the tip of Elaine's left ring finger. It was ivory. It started small, but lengthened in a rush. It changed from a thin thread to a thick ribbon. Sweat beaded on Elaine's brow as it settled on her palm like a tangible ribbon.

"I did it!" Elaine beamed. She pulled a lock of hair out of her loose bun and over her shoulder. It was the color of wheat. She tied the ribbon of magic around it, a little beneath her chin, and then snipped the lock of hair off with the scissors. Elaine set the gift in the middle of the parchment, folded down both sides, and then sealed it with a spell. She extended it to Lily. "For Sirius, please."

For proof of Elaine's feelings, it was extravagant. "A glove or handkerchief would've sufficed. You didn't have to cut your hair."

"From a member of one Sacred Twenty-Eight family to another, this is the highest form of favor I'm allowed to show any suitor. Sirius deserves it," Elaine chided, as if Lily were a little slow.

Lily accepted the rebuke with good grace. She shouldn't have said anything in the first place. Elaine had the right to express her feelings however she wished. Lily's thumb rubbed over the parchment. James would probably try to convince her to elope if she ever gave him a lock of her hair tied by her magic. Maybe she would do it, just to see his gaze burn with desire. She loved the hungry look in his eyes that most often appeared when he thought she wasn't paying attention.

"I'll go put him out of his misery," Lily said. She stood up. "Thank you."

"No, Lily, thank you."

Lily left the dorm room, nodded to Amelia, and then hurried out of the Hufflepuff Basement. She almost ignored the third years who were dueling in the corridor, but duty won out. Twenty points from Ravenclaw, two detentions, and six minutes later, Lily was headed up the staircases again. When she reached the Tower, she leaned against the wall to catch her breath.

"All right, dearie?" the Fat Lady asked.

"Mhmm." Once Lily had control of her breathing, she straightened her shoulders. "Rex leonum."

"In you go, then." The Fat Lady swung open and let Lily inside, before closing once she stepped through the portrait hole.

A clock charm hung in the air next to the couch. "You were gone one hour, thirteen minutes, and forty-one seconds," Sirius said.

"Head Girl duties delayed me," Lily replied as she walked over to where they were and crouched down before them. "You look like you're feeling better, Sirius."

"He's not," James said. "He's just faking it better." He ruffled Sirius's hair. "What did Heiress Fawley have to say?"

Lily wanted to wipe the rest of the sadness from Sirius's face. "I come bearing a present." She held the parchment out; Sirius grabbed for it. Lily pulled it back quickly. "You'll want to be careful with this, Sirius." She handed it to him when she was sure he wouldn't rip it. "And you'll probably want to open it in private."

"But it's good news?" Sirius asked.

"The best news, Sirius. I promise you won't be disappointed."

His face came alive, then, and grinned a cocky grin at her. "If you weren't Prongs's girl, I could kiss you for this."

"Oi!" James hit Sirius with a throw pillow. "You've already kissed my girl twice today, and I haven't kissed her at all. Keep your lips to yourself, Padfoot."

Lily smirked, and she couldn't resist teasing him now that he was feeling better. "She might get mad. After all, Elaine practically yelled in my face that she didn't want anyone other than you kissing her." Sirius resembled Dopey, Lily's favorite dwarf. "It's not a stretch of the imagination to assume she would be upset by you kissing other girls."

Sirius took his letter to the far side of the common room, so everyone could have a little privacy.

"What did she give him?" James asked. "I'm curious, Lily-Flower. What would he want to open in private and be so careful with?"

She hadn't known, before Elaine told her, that it was the highest sign of favor a witch could give her suitor. Perhaps it was a tradition used only in uncommon circumstances of intense passion. If that were true, her feelings for James fit the scenario. "Close your eyes, James. Keep them closed until I tell you to open them." He grumbled, but obeyed. Crafting a ribbon made of her magic was harder than she expected it to be, but, with effort, she had an ivory ribbon similar to Elaine's. Lily tugged some hair loose from her braid, tied the ribbon in it, and then cut it with a murmured severing charm.

"I love you, James," she whispered. Her heart was in her throat.

"I know, Lily-Flower. I love you, too," James replied.

"You can open your eyes now." She draped the lock of hair across his lap.

When James saw it, he froze. He was still so long that Lily started to worry she had trespassed on a custom that was exclusive to the Sacred Twenty-Eight. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have . . ." Lily couldn't finish. She had no idea what to say to make this right.

James Transfigured a throw pillow into a fist-sized metal box. He curled the lock of her hair around his finger until it was small, placed it inside, sealed it, and then stuck it in his robe pocket.

"James?" she queried tentatively. Did that mean he liked it? He wasn't mad at her?

"At some point"—his voice was husky—"remember to stop me, Lily-Flower." He raised his head; his eyes burned like Fiendfyre. "Because I'm going to lose myself in you and forget to stop. So promise you'll stop me if I make you uncomfortable."

The hunger was there, calling her. She awaited the day when he wouldn't have to starve anymore. "I promise." Lily wanted to be the witch who completely satisfied his appetite.


End file.
